CHILDREN: - What A Child Wants Part 2 - So I'm not Perfect
Society presents various misguided points of view about what children truly need from their parents. Most parents harbour feelings of guilt & inadequacy sometimes when they start measuring themselves against those opinions. I thought to address some core desires that I can remember from being a child, being part of a large extended family & raising my own. I've been one of the lucky ones.
By Stefnie Meyer
19 October 2017
“So I’m not perfect”
We all live with things we think we would have wanted differently and & we soothe each other with words like “Oh, you’re lucky! I don’t know why you complain! Now if you had MY luck” . . . We are hardly ever happy with what we have” . . . . Until it’s gone. When we turn 50 and look back 30 years, we often think, “What a fool I’ve been!”
On the positive side, it is our “shortfalls” that act as reminders of our vulnerability and nurtures compassion.
In building our children’s worthiness, we also have to prepare for that confrontation about the “weaknesses”, the challenges and so called “wrongness’s” they wish were different. You want your child’s confidence & worthiness cloak to be so well woven that any weakness or “wrongness” can’t rip a piece from it when you are not around to do some stitching up. There is little joy in defining oneself based on one’s “shortfalls”.
“Please give me the wisdom to distinguish between what I can change and what not; the courage to change what I can and the kindness to self to accept the things I cannot”.
- The best place to start is with yourself.
What if your mirror (physically and metaphorically speaking) is a portrait that shows you a reflection of your judgments? If you put yourself down, can’t accept a compliment, being sensitive about your looks, you set your child up for playing small & minuscule.
Your children pick up your emotional vibrations and mimic these judgments – they too start having judgments of them and their bodies & then do the same to others. YOUR energy speaks louder than your words.
- You have to lay the foundation firmly by taking the “wrong” out of the “wrongness”.
As in: Wrongness – Wrong = Ness = Being = Joy.
Guide your child in conversations to look at things from a different point of view.
3. Making light of the things you cannot change and learn to take yourself less seriously is a skill that one should learn early on.
My sister has a friend with purple patches on her skin. It’s called “Purpura” and occurs when small blood vessels burst, causing blood to pool under the skin. They would slowly go away in one place while another appeared again in another place. While they were still in primary school, I told her that her patches were more colourful than my freckles & colour-coding her swimming-costume, towels, slops & tote-bag to match her patches are so cool and stylish, making everybody else’s ‘pool-style” just so ordinary.
She learned that to us that loved her and saw her every day, the patches became ‘invisible’ and just something that was unique to her & didn’t take anything away from her “Bamby-Brown-Eyes”, her beautiful features and personality. She accepted the things she couldn’t change and had fun with it.
4. Blessings in disguise
You can tally up your strengths and shortfalls and you might receive the awareness that you don’t require those items on your “shortfalls” list! It might just be a blessing NOT to have certain attributes.
A fish has fins to swim – so why would he wish to have a monkey-tail to swing around in trees if he’ll never live on land?
You will probably perceive a few interesting things:
- What if what you DO have is everything you require for YOUR life?
- What if what you DON’T have would actually be a nuisance & complicate your life?
- What if what you DON’T have will fix itself/become easier to change if you obsess about it less and make it less vital?
- What if what has been labelled as a “disability” is actually an ABILITY or CAPACITY that others don’t understand? Like ADD/ADHD are abilities that “normal people” can’t keep up with?
- What if your wrongness is actually a blessing? – i.e. you are called a procrastinator
- What if it is not procrastination but being more intuitive? - Being in a space of awareness that timing is “off”?
- Maybe people call you lucky because you always seem to be “in the right place at right time” (thanks to procrastination)?
- What if for you, to do what you are here to do, like having rhythm or being musical, is not important?
- What if you “not being a great athlete” while your child is one, serves to build your child’s confidence that he can do stuff you can’t?
5. Have YOU accepted your child’s ‘imperfections’?
The most important question to ask is “have YOU accepted your child’s shortfalls?” – They will not accept it until you do. You can’t push them into a mold of your choosing – it will only break their spirit.
When we focus on the things we call “wrong”, that’s all we see in the “mirror”. We cannot see, perceive or acknowledge anything else. When we choose to focus on all the stuff we love about ourselves, we can use it to our advantage, enhance it and have gratitude for it – the shortfalls become “smaller”, change or disappear while you were having fun with your gifts. Even other people will stop being aware of your “shortfalls”.
When you are in allowance of your own shortfalls, you won’t judge the shortfalls in others. All they will see & remember about you is that you ARE beautiful. They will remember how wonderful you made THEM FEEL about themselves.
Teach your children that being kind to others starts with being kind to yourself.